Christina,
I read your article last week and I want to say "kudo's to Deborah". I think it took alot of courage, guts and determination to become the woman she wants to be and I'm happy for her. After reading her story it gave me the courage to post my question, insignificant as it may be to other issues, it is quite a problem for me.
I have only been in lesbian relationships all my life and I'm embarrassed to admit this but, I've never actually had an orgasm. I'm currently in a wonderful relationship but still no orgasm. I always fake it because I don't want to hurt their feelings but I'd sure love to know what an orgasm really feels like. So, do you have any suggestions?
Curious
Dear Curious,
Something that may comfort you to know, is that many woman have that same issue they are dealing with or have dealt with. It amazes me at how many women I've had reveal the fact that they've never actually experienced an orgasm.
The good news is that you can take measure to correct that situation. Some of these things that I mention may take some courage and you may have to get over some shyness but it can be done and believe me it is well worth the effort. If you have a hard time, just think of Deborah's courage and that may help you press on.
First of all, if you are faking it all the time then you are not only cheating your partner out of a genuine orgasmic experience but also yourself. I recently watched an instructional video (dealing with my job) and the gentleman made a point that I loved. He said (not verbatim) sometimes people may view us as being selfish for looking out for ourselves first but often it's not selfish because when we take care of ourselves and our happiness it affects not only ourselves but those around us, how we do our work, our attitude and how we treat others too. This applies to your situation. If you are faking orgasms, not really having them then hun you have to be frustrated ( I sure would be) and this will affect all areas of your life possibly without you even realizing it. Also, when you learn how to let go and have incredible orgasms then it helps you become a more adventurous, spontaneous, confident and eager lover.
I, myself was in a situation that I did not feel safe sexually ( AT ALL ) for years, so when I met Lynn it took me a while to learn trust and learn to let go and know everything was going to be fine and truly enjoy sex the way it should be enjoyed. Let me tell you, once you learn to loosen up and let go of whatever is holding you back....watch out! It can be a wonderful thing for both of you and an incredible learning experience.
So, to start with if you are in a relationship that you really, truly trust the person then you may want to consider opening up and telling her the truth. I did this with Lynn after we had been together for quite a few months. I told her my experiences and my fears from it...that was the first time I had told anyone about that and it was quite therapeutic and it really freed alot of fears and made our sex life even better. So, if feel like you trust her then let her know that you have a problem with having orgasms. Let her know it's not her at all and that you want her help in having your first one. It may bother her a little to know you've been faking them but it will also make her feel quite proud and cocky when she is the one to help you have your first one.
Since your a lesbian I'm assuming you probably have toys...well hun put those baby's to use! Here comes the part of getting over your shyness. There are a couple of things you can do. One is that you can let your partner experiment with the toys on you, finding your "G-spot" and finding exactly what angles and spots just make you scream. The other option is to experiment yourself. Using a toy you can try different shapes, textures and angles and see what feels the best to you and then let her know by guiding her when she uses them.
Also, when you have sex try your best to let go. Let go of any fears, inhibitions or distractions you may have and just focus on the moment and intense feelings you are having. Something else that works wonders is the art of giving. If you have a hard time having an orgasm, then focus on turning her on. Dance, strip, tie her up, get out the whip cream, lap dance with an incredibly sexy bra on unbuttoning your shirt and keep those babies near her face teasing her...whatever works for her just do it and get her so hot that she can't take it anymore. I know it's somewhat of a "power" thing but trust me, when you see just how much you are turning them on, you will be so ready for your orgasm that you may have one without her even going down there!
I truly hope some of these suggestions work for you. Once you can learn how to please not only your lover but yourself, you will be amazed at the difference it makes in your life. You will be able to enjoy incredible orgasms and very possibly two, three four or five in a row! Good luck!
Love To All,
Christina
Please submit all questions or topics to me at: